The good old-fashioned fling has a bad rap. We may be in an age of no-strings Tinder hookups and increasingly aware of the physical and mental health benefits of sex, but many people still turn their noses up at fleeting sexual relationships. More often than not, they're considered mere stepping stones en route to something more "serious" or, worse, as evidence that someone has commitment problems or even low self-esteem.
These impermanent relationships – whether they're one-night stands or last for weeks or a few months – are rarely considered valuable in and of themselves, but that may be misguided. Even very short-term, casual attachments can force us to be present in the moment and even helping us work out what we want from long-term partners. Here five women to tell us what they learned from their most momentous flings.
Yasmin, 32, had a four-month fling with a "beautiful, lush redhead" named Conor who she met at a bus stop at the end of a night out. She had just come out of an eight-year relationship and was still living with her ex, so they mostly went to his place.
Sometimes we'd go for a drink first, but more often than not I'd go over at the end of a night out. I always stayed over but would leave first thing in the morning. It was just sex; we didn't go on dates. We had sex on the kitchen worktop once – after I'd moved into my own place! – which was kinda hot. As it went on, though, he started to get more keen. Calling and texting loads, sending me Snapchats from the gym. He was a rebound for me and I wasn't interested, so I ended it.
I have really fond memories of those few months. It's such a cliché but this really was a case of "timing is everything". At any other moment in time, Conor and I wouldn't have crossed paths or if we had, I would've dismissed him. I needed something fun and non-committal, a palate cleanser. He was perfect. The main thing I learned was to be honest with myself when I'm not that into someone and to have the courage to end things before they go too far. I also realised how important sex is, for me, in any relationship. Like, dealbreaker-important.
I think everyone should have a fling after coming out of a long-term relationship. It gives you the space to clear your head and get used to having sex with another person without all the emotional, complicated stuff that comes with a serious relationship. Plus, it's a real confidence-boost. When you've slept with the same person for eight years (or however long), there's this fear: What if no one else wants me? A fling – where, let's be honest, they're into you for your body and that's it – puts paid to all that.
Louisa, 19, is a first-year student living away from home at university for the first time. Her previous relationships have lasted between a few months and two years, so she's now letting off steam as a single young woman in a new environment.
Since I started university, I've had a lot of one-night stands and two-time things, with a couple of more serious short-term relationships with guys from Tinder, which usually lasted a couple of weeks. They've all been mostly just sex, but there was one which wasn’t sexual at all and we just had a strong connection until he got too intense. But it was nice at the time.
Most of them were always going to be short-term things, but there was one I thought was going to be longer. I think it's beneficial to feel rejected and let down in short-term relationships – it gives you a thicker skin. It’s a lot easier to end something with someone you haven’t been with very long, and it teaches you the easiest and smoothest ways to go about it all.
Looking back, I'm glad I've been through it all because it’s definitely taught me some lessons, both good and bad, about relationships. I've learned that as you get older it takes longer to develop proper relationships. Romantic relationships developed much more quickly at school as you had shared histories, but university is like starting over. You can be anyone you want in a relationship.
Violet, 23, is a student living abroad for a work placement in Venice. She recently enjoyed a magical one-night stand with a 27-year-old British guy from Tinder and says she never wanted anything more.
He was hot as hell and when I saw he went to UCL, I swiped right. I was desperate for a taste of the English banter I was missing. So I sent him a foolproof opener saying that he didn't want me because I was trouble, with the requisite Rihanna GIF. He replied straightaway, saying he'd pick me up in his boat in an hour. I was bowled over, first by the offer of a pick-up in a boat in Venice – I'd been saying, half jokingly, that I needed a short-term man with a boat to ferry me round the Veneto. I was doubly bowled over by his forwardness. I love a man with confidence.
When we met I realised he was an absolute snack. He then lifted me into his boat and took me to a great bar he knew near San Marco. On the way there I found out he was Venetian and had been to boarding school in the UK – he was exactly my type. We passed the Palazzo Ducale on the Grand Canal under the moonlight and he kissed me. I remember thinking that nothing as cinematic would ever happen to me again. He bought a bottle of prosecco at the bar before we left, then we went to his rooftop flat with stunning views all over Venice and he made love to me, twice. He held me and was so complimentary – something English guys never really are, even when dating more seriously. We had a cigarette in bed afterwards. I felt like a 19th-century countess. He drove me home in his boat at 4am as we both had plans the next morning and we kissed the whole way. He said that if we were geographically synchronised we should see each other again and I think we both knew we wouldn't, but the sentiment was nice.
The night was perfect and is enshrined in my mind like a film. If we'd seen each other again, the magic might not have been there. This is one night that was exquisite and singular, no strings attached, and it taught me how great it can be to let yourself go and give in to the moment. I'm a self-assured feminist, but the fact he was so smooth, kind and cool was ideal.
Rachel, a 26-year-old PhD student living in London, has had a string of short-term relationships in the last few years.
While spring flings might be the devil in disguise for some people, for me they're definitely a blessing. Yes, they can induce minor heartbreak, and yes, I always go for the wrong guy – but I’m convinced they’re also good for you. For starters, the prospect of one encourages me to take better care of myself, and sex with a new man is always fun. It’s fresh, it’s exciting and inevitably educational. But there’s more to it than that – short-term relationships make me feel carefree and, most importantly, they allow me to explore and go for guys I wouldn’t normally go for.
I've learned many lessons over the years. Fling One – let’s call him Jack. Jack was great. Fun, banterous, and wild in bed. Desperately romantic but then, boom. He ghosted me. I learned how to spot a player.
Fling Two – Chad, let's dub him. Chad was sweet, an absolute joker, and had the body of an Adonis. We laughed, we joked and had great sex, but never had emotional intimacy. This taught me the importance of finding a true connection.
Fling Three – let’s call him Bobby. Bobby was young, immature, carefree, and smoking hot – but terrible in bed. From this experience I learned that looks aren’t everything and maturity really does go a long way. Armed with all this knowledge, farmed through many a spring fling, I’m super excited for spring – and summer – 2018.
Jennifer, a 25-year-old product manager from the UK who is now based in the US, had a three-month relationship with a guy from work after a serious relationship ended. She's since got back together with her ex but is grateful for her short-term micro-romance.
About 18 months ago, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me. I wanted to stay single for at least three months after that but literally the day I left my ex's apartment, I saw a strikingly good-looking guy in a work meeting whom I'd never met before. We didn't speak, but we clearly noticed each other and chatted at a work event that evening. We went out for shisha and drinks together that night and I ended up going home with him. I didn't think it would go anywhere – and wasn't intending it to – but over the next three months I went back and forth between London and New York, where he lived, and saw him.
We were both tentative, me because I'd been hurt so recently and him because he'd been screwed over by long-distance relationships, so we never "put a label on it" or were even exclusive. He told me he loved me when we were drunk, but later apologised and took it back. Before he had the chance to say it sober, my ex came out of the woodwork and we figured things out. But the days spent running around New York with my fling, without even thinking about whether we'd stay together the following week, are some of my best memories.
I'm beyond grateful for the experience, for a bunch of reasons. Most importantly, I got to know – and love – a wonderful person, in a relationship that was only ever good, except for the very end, which was incredibly brief. Whereas in a longer relationship, you have many, many hard times, short-term relationships are mostly good.
I'm also grateful that I had the chance to experience a very different type of relationship from what I'd been used to. Because of what I knew about his past – with the long-distance stuff not working out – I didn't think he was open to trying to have a committed relationship, and we never talked about it. This meant I took every week in isolation, never worrying about the future and living in the moment in the truest sense.
Selfishly, too, I'm glad that it happened at a time when I was broken. It gave me the confidence that several months of pain in a bad relationship had taken. He was genuinely interested in me and thought the things I'd achieved were amazing, but I also realised I could survive something really awful, and function within a different dynamic from what I'd always thought I wanted. There's also a freedom you can't get from a long-term relationship. I didn't have a partner to compromise with but a companion to have fun with. Though there wasn't the stability that comes with a long-term relationship, we almost had the best of both worlds.
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