Break-ups suck, but if it’s any comfort, you’re certainly not alone.
While being sad, confused and hurt at the end of a relationship is totally normal, it might help to pinpoint how you're feeling and work through it.
Here the team at Smart TMS takes us through the six break-up stages, with advice on riding the emotional wave and comments from women who have been through it themselves and can relate.
Read on...
Smart TMS say: The drive to know the unknown can become consuming and can be at the expense of rational thoughts. You can’t focus on anything else other than the need to know why this happened, when in fact, this answer may be outside of anyone’s ability to explain it.
You say: "I trend to overanalyse pretty much everything and I like to know specific details and answers, so when it comes to the end of a relationship (when it hasn't been my decision) I'm no different. I think it's natural to blame yourself when someone breaks up with you. Automatically, I tend to wonder what it was that I did; what moments led him to make the decision. Was it something I said? Something I did? The way I look? Was it because I got annoyed at that stupid thing two months ago? Then there's the wondering whether maybe, somehow, someday, in the future, when we've, you know, had a break – there could be another chance for us? This cycle is, of course, incredibly unhelpful. Chances are you'll never actually get the answer you want (I made a mistake! Let's be together!), it wasn't anything you said or did and holding out for a second chance will keep you from moving on." – Chemmie
Smart TMS say: You feel like you put everything into that relationship and it’s hard to accept that it’s over. You find yourself postponing beginning the grieving process because it’s just too difficult to face.
You say: "Showing up at every event they're at and still acting like a couple? Check. Inviting myself over to their house to hang out with 'the lads'. Double check. It hurts inside thinking back on it." – Jess
Smart TMS say: You tell them that whatever is wrong, you’ll make right and become determined to reconcile. By clinging onto any hope that you can, you find yourself taking on the responsibility of repairing, maintaining and sustaining a relationship yourself.
It’s important to remember that bargaining can only briefly distract you from the experience of loss.
You say: "I should really give him back that sweater that I borrowed two years ago. I'm going to a concert that he might be at – I should message him. His sister had a baby – I should message him. I saw a friend of his today – I should message him. I want to make sure he's okay – I should message him." – Tania*
Smart TMS say: Once you’ve let go of some of the fear of being alone, anger sets in – at least temporarily. This stage can feel slightly empowering and you begin to remember that you matter too.
You say: "Anger fuelled a stunning plan, which was to snog every boy in a three-mile radius. Flawless right? And so began a few months of making out with as many nameless and faceless boys across nightclub floors in London as I could. Should you direct your interests to a similar plan, Ministry of Sound is not recommended." – Robyn
Smart TMS say: You find yourself holding up your end of the break-up because you have to, not because you want to.
You say: "Wow – it's been five days and I haven't thought about him. I can't believe I was with someone for so long who was such hard work. There's this guy at work, he started a while back and we got talking – he's super cute. I joined OKCupid and it's NOT terrible. I saw a picture of him on Facebook with some girl and I was like, 'Meh, she can have him'." – Sophie
They say: The feeling that you might actually be okay without your ex sets in and you realise that this is an opportunity to look ahead and start a new chapter.
You say: "I vividly remember being in my best friend's car (I'm pretty sure it was a lunchtime trip to McDonald's – living the sixth form dream) with the windows down and Chris Brown and Jordin Sparks' "No Air" (tune) blaring out, and suddenly feeling hopeful. After about 5-6 months of feeling utterly heartbroken and that I'd never move on or get over it, for one reason or another, right at that moment, I felt a sense of hopefulness come over me. A sudden knowingness that, actually, I was going to be okay. That I didn't need him." – Cara
Surround yourself with friends and family: People that you love – and who love you – will instantly make you feel less alone.
Try a new hobby: Disconnecting from things that you did when you were with your ex is a good idea, and you'll need plenty of distractions: take up knitting, learn a new skill, dance, book a class, make a podcast, write poetry, volunteer or babysit a dog.
Exercise: Tempting as it is to stay in bed all day, exercise releases endorphins and endorphins improve our mood. Any type of exercise is useful, so find something you enjoy and do it.
Eat well: Try getting some decent home-cooked meals in you.
Make a list: Look ahead and make a list of things you want to achieve in the months ahead. Planning will help keep you focussed on the good stuff.
*Some names have been changed
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