Last week, the news that both Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain had died by suicide sparked a conversation about mental health and how we can help support the people in our lives who might be going through a difficult time. One of the best ways to do that is to get in touch with someone directly to see if they need to talk, want to hang out, or just need someone who will sit beside them. But reaching out to check in on someone who struggles with their mental health might feel awkward at first — and that's okay.
"It’s normal, healthy, and natural to be uncomfortable in approaching a friend who’s in distress," says Kevin Chapman, PhD, a member of the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA). "You’re confronting a strong emotion — your anxiety — by reaching out to a friend who’s struggling and in need."
But if you can push past that awkwardness, it might be easier than you think. And while you're not responsible for someone's emotional state, a little support can go a long way.
Ahead, we've outlined some tips for how to reach out to someone in your life who might be having a hard time managing their mental health.
If you are experiencing depression or anxiety and are in need of crisis support, please contact Samaritans on 116 123. All calls are free and will be answered in confidence.
Know the boundaries of your relationship.
When you're reaching out to someone, take into account the relationship you have with them, and consider what they would best respond to.
"Some friends would prefer a text, some would prefer a phone call, and others would prefer to talk in person," Dr. Chapman says. "Understanding the rapport we have, and [the other person's] mode of operation will be the primary goal to figure out what this person is susceptible to respond to in a really positive way."
Debra Kissen, PhD, also a member of the ADAA, says that if you haven't spoken to the person in a long time, reaching out might feel extra awkward — but that doesn't mean you can't. Just be sure to give context for why you're getting in touch, like, "I was just thinking of you and realised we haven't spoken in a while. How are things?"
illustrated by Anna Sudit.
You don't have to mention their health.
You don't always have to mention that you're reaching out to someone because you're concerned about their mental health. In fact, that might just make it seem like you feel sorry for them — and nobody likes being pitied. Reaching out at all is better than nothing, but it helps to show that you just genuinely want to talk.
"Reaching out because we think someone might be suicidal is good, but so is reaching out because it’s a Monday, and reaching out because you just saw a funny thing that reminded you of them," Dr. Kissen says.
illustrated by Anna Sudit.
Don't pressure them.
If you reach out to someone who doesn't initially seem super responsive, understand that they might still appreciate it. Having a mental health issue such as depression, for example, could stop people from having the energy to respond in the way you might expect.
"Tell them there's no pressure to be on, no pressure to be amusing, and that they don’t have to talk if they don't want to, but ask them to go on a walk and do something with you," Dr. Kissen suggests.
illustrated by Anna Sudit.
Focus on what you've noticed.
Dr. Chapman says that it's important to use "I" statements (switching your comments from ones that start with "you" to ones that begin with "I"), which can help you avoid making it seem like you're blaming them for going through a mental health low.
"Instead of saying something like, 'You need to stop isolating yourself,' try, 'I've noticed recently that you haven't been calling or texting as much.'"
That way, you'll hopefully avoid putting them on the defensive, and it'll make for a better, more comforting conversation.
illustrated by Anna Sudit.
Don't expect them to change because of you.
If we could all reach each other with one conversation, the world would be a much easier place. Unfortunately, that's often not how things work, and Dr. Chapman says to remember that the other person might not agree with everything you're saying, and you shouldn't expect them to change just because you've noticed that they aren't doing so well.
"They may have to take in what you said and process it," he says. "Expecting that things are going to change overnight is a pretty unrealistic and can actually further isolate people and increase their distress."
illustrated by Anna Sudit.
Know your resources.
As great as it is that you're reaching out to someone, you're only one person, and you can't be everything to everyone. Ideally, this person is also getting support from mental health professionals, but if they aren't, you can point them to resources like the Crisis Call Center or National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.
Dr. Chapman says it's also helpful to read up on mental health yourself, just to be able to better understand what the person is going through and how you can best help.
"Us having a better recognition of depression, panic disorder, or anxiety, and understanding what those [illnesses] are like and what the symptoms are — that’s going to give us more of an understanding of how we can help our loved ones," he says.
illustrated by Anna Sudit.
Know that your effort matters.
"In general, when we come from genuine place, that comes through," Dr. Kissen says. "Even if we don’t have the exact right language but it’s coming from a belief in a person, and genuine appreciation for them and wanting the best for them no matter what, then what we say is less important than the energy we share with this other person."
In other words, it's less important to say the right thing than it is to be there and to be willing to help someone work through a difficult time.
"In general, reaching out to other people is the most healing thing that we can do for ourselves and for anyone else," Dr. Kissen says. "Just showing up in each others’ lives goes really far."
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