Whether you have a handful of close friends or a full-blown Taylor Swift-esque squad, your friendships are important. It isn't just about having someone to brunch with (though that's important, too). Research has shown that your friends, provided they're good friends, can be great for your health.
But, if you've graduated college, moved to a new city, or have generally gone through a lot of recent life changes, it's normal to find that your friend group has started dwindling. Vera Eck, MFT, an Imago relationship therapist in Los Angeles, says that post-grad life can be a perfect storm of chaos that leaves friendships at the wayside.
"Making friends past college is difficult because you are no longer with your cohort," she says. "College is an instant social scene with people your age, sharing your common interests. Once you graduate from college, that whole network is gone, unless you make an effort to keep it going."
And, even if you didn't go to college, chances are, you're going through a lot of life changes that make it harder to meet new people. Being able to do things on your own can be really rewarding, but there's no shame in wishing you had more friends, too.
"Humans are tribal and we need to make the effort to either find or create our own village," Eck says.
If you feel like you're missing out on having the kind of squad everyone else seems to have, you're not the only one. Making friends as an adult can seem like a demoralising uphill battle, but it doesn't have to be. Read on for some common reasons your friendships have changed and ways to deal with those changes.
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You might have to create a whole new network.
And, we don't mean your internet social networks. Once you're no longer forced to be in a room of people who are generally your age, it's harder to socialise.
"One way to counteract those difficulties is to find various fun and interesting ways to 'put yourself out there,'" Eck says.
As vague as that may sound, putting yourself out there can be anything including, volunteering for a cause you care about, taking a new fitness class, or even signing up for Bumble BFF or Meetup.com.
The key, Eck says, is to focus on the things you like doing, and from there, open yourself up to other people who might like doing the same things.
"Make your own extra-curricular activities happen, and you will find yourself again amongst people who share a common interest with you," she says.
You'll need to find a balance between work and friendships.
Whether you're just starting your career or changing to a new one, it's understandable if that's where all your energy is going.
"Once you engage in your career, the demands on your time have increased and your time for socialising has decreased," Eck says.
Yes, your job is important — but it's also important to make time for yourself, and to make time, even just once a week, to catch up with a friend.
Your other relationships might make it harder to spend time with friends.
Maybe your friend is getting serious with a partner and has less time for you, or you're the one settling down with someone and are basking in the glow of a new relationship. Maybe one of you is even getting ready to be a parent.
Either way, these new and exciting relationships can change the dynamic of any friendship, whether you're the one feeling like a third wheel or you're accidentally sidelining someone. To make sure that your bond with your friends still runs deep, make sure you're still getting one-on-one time with each other.
Your friendships might be impacted by adulting.
"In France there is an expression: 'Metro, boulot, dodo.'" Eck says. "It literally means that all we have time for is getting to work (Metro), working (boulot) and then sleeping (dodo)."
In other words, as great and necessary as routines can be, they can put us on autopilot, wired only to go from home to the office and back. There's a lot of pros to that — you get time to decompress from the day and prioritise self-care, but getting into a routine means you're a lot less likely to see anyone but your co-workers and neighbours.
"Try not to fall into that trap," Eck says. "Making time for friends is a necessary investment of your time and efforts."
You don't have to completely forego your alone time, but it wouldn't hurt to invite a new acquaintance to dinner now and then.
You'll need to check in with the friends you already have.
Part of why it's so hard to maintain a squad in your 20s, is that you get so caught up in getting your life together that you fall out of touch with people. And, while it's important to make new friends, it's also important to hang onto your bond with the friends you already have.
"You have to make the effort to keep in touch," Eck says. "You no longer live or study with these friends, so you won't get to see them in your day-to-day life. So, this requires phone calls, going out for happy hour, or inviting them over."
And sometimes, that means saying yes to things even when it's easier to just stay home.
"It's so easy to politely decline because you are tired, don't want to go back out, or want to continue your Netflix binge at home," Eck says. "But, the more you say no, the less likely your friends are to invite you out again. So stretch out of your comfort zone and get back out there — you won't regret it."
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